($ Winter Wonderland)
People ask me, ''Carole, how do you and Bruce keep the spice in your marriage?''
(CHUCKLING) Well, I tell them it's really simple.
I'm just the ultimate tease.
Me and Bruce, we're not that different.
We know what we want.
We know how to get it.
Like this promotion he's going for. We both know he'll win.
And when he does,
the Robertson household
is gonna be one big happy family again.
I kid you not.
(WOLF WHISTLE)
-Jimmy! -(LAUGHS)
Whoo-hoo!
(WOLF WHISTLE)
(CHUCKLES)
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
What did you just fucking call me?
Just g ve us your money, mate.
Fuck ng hurry up!
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING) Fucking...
(WOLF WHISTLE)
Scatter.
(ALL LAUGHING)
BRUCE Scotland.
This nation brought the world television, the steam engine, golf,
whisky, penicillin and, of course, the deep fried Mars bar.
It is great being Scottish. We're such a uniquely successful race.
And as my wlfe Carole always says,
"There"s no place like home.''
Nice one. Al right pal?
The games are always, repeat, aIways, being played
but nobody plays the games like me,
Detectlve Sergeant Bruce Robertson,
soon to be Detective lnspector Bruce Robertson.
You just have to be the best, and I usually am.
Same rules apply.
(FARTS)
(EXHALES)
(SNIFFS)
What the fuck>
(DOOR OPENS)
Morning.
Right.
Our victim is a Japanese ma e
in his eary 20s Yes Peter?
Sorry, boss just a wee point.
Maybe we shouldn t stigmatise the guy by calling him a victm.
Poorwee chinky bastard's dead. Doesnae matterwhat you cal him now.
Care to share the joke wth us Dougie>
BRUCE: Dougie Gillman is your average Scottish copper.
Sixty years ago in the gIorious fucking Reich, you'd be turned into handbags!
BRUCE: At 5/1, Glllman poses a serious challenge to my promotion prospects.
So he, like the others, will have to be eIlminated,
starting with my main rival forthe inspector's job, Peter lnglis.
Inglis is what they caIl metrosexual...
($ Dance mus c playing) '
...but what l call a fucking bufity. 2/1.
TOAL: There was no positive ID,
but DS Lennox has been down at the murder scene.
BRUCE Ray Lennox, the department's rookie and resident junkie.
l love the chang!
Even though Lennox is more interested in trying to bang the office secretary
than any kind of career advancement, he'lI still have to be publicly humiliated.
20/1.
OfficiaI poI cy at the moment is...
(SIGHS) Yes, Gus>
What is the party ine boss?
BRUCE: Gus Baln, bit of a long shot because he's not the sharpest tool in the box.
-l've got a new toothbrush, m ss! -(CHlLDREN LAUGHlNG)
But then, when dld a single-figure lQ hoId anybody back in the police force?
7/1.
... n accordance with the descrption which Detective Drummond
will presently hand out to you.
-Thanks Bob. -BRUCE: ''Thanks, Bob.''
That arse-kissing Amanda Drummond
would suck Toal off right now if he promoted her.
Not that it wouId do herany good, of course,
because some sad wankerfrom uniform is gonna impregnate the wee slag
and that'll be herstint at playing Cagney and fucking Lacey well and truly over.
10/1.
The umb ical cord that connects the north and south...
Umbilical cord? The last time l looked it was a tunnel, you fucking clown.
Edinburgh's worst kept secret is that Chief lnspector Bob Toal here
has ambitions as a screenwriter.
lf that lazy, fat fuckerspent less time dreaming about Hollywood
and more time promoting me, then the streets would be safer foreverybody.
And they left him there lying l ke a p e of rubbish.
-Maybe he was rubbish. -What>
-To the assailants, of course. -(ALL MURMURlNG)
BRUCE Aye, that's it. Your docile chat might impress the boss,
but it doesn't impress my fucking hangover.
I have got news for this herd of donkeys.
There is onIy one horse can win this race and that horse is Bruce the Stallion Robertson.
Right crack on with it.
-Qu ck word, Bruce. -Yes, boss?
Th ngs are pretty stretched around here until we get the new Dl pos tion filled.
l want you to head up the case l'll be around, but l' be tied up with other stuff.
So, you'II effective y be acting inspector, wthout the remuneration of course.
All eave, unfortunate y, wil be cancelled,
but it'l stand you in good stead forthe promotion
because you'll have the other contenders under you.
($ It's AII Over Me Otis BIackweII)
There's really nothing more seductive to a woman than power.
So, when Bruce gets his promotion,
l won't be ab e to keep my hands off him.
Detective Inspector Robertson. (MOANS)
Even the sound of it makes me want him right now.
(GIGGLES)
RAY: Are you not worried if you bugger off to Hamburg
itll go against you for the promotion then?
-Promotion? -Aye.
What's the a ternative Ray?
l give up my holidays for some murdered Jap, kamikaze, sush -eatng, karaoke bastard>
No chance.
Wel , you do have a very understanding wife in Carole Robbo.
Aye. Aye, that l do.
-l wish l had somebody like that. -l bet you do, Ray. l bet you do
Te you what, we'll have to get you anotherthreesome organ sed
with that wee skanky dealer s bird, won't we? Do you rememberthat>
BRUCE: Lennox hates to be reminded of the time we went tag team on that thing.
Have you even started yet, baby cock?
Everybody has got an Achilles'heel
and l make a point in remembering my associates'ones.
You were like an animal Ray.
Oh here we go. Here comes the schem e wee bastard now.
Jesus Christ, Iook at the face on that wee Iassie.
That's a stoat-the-baw s tuation if ever I saw one.
That's a curvy ittle arse, though, mind.
Never you mind the curvy ttle arse on it Ray.
-lt's a bit fucking young, no? -Ah, she's borderline, man Come on.
-Borderline? -Aye
Do you ike wee lassies, Ray? Are you into baldy fanny?
Borderine is it>
40 sheets at 5l1. Come on. 5l1?
Ah, no, maybe you re right. You re right enough, man.
(LAUGHING) You have got absolutely no bott e, Ray.
That s exacty why the Lennoxes of this world wiII never oust the Robertsons.
l k d you not, my sweet, sweet friend. Come on!
-R ght then what's the script? -The Beast routine
-lt's a b t full-on Robbo, no? -You steam right in.
lt's the only language these schemies understand, OK? Come here
l want you to show this bastard who the hardest firm in this city really s, OK>
Nobody... Nobody steams in like the Ed nburgh polis.
-Go -Right.
Wait two seconds. Hell be firing nto her and we' I catch the stoat n action.
-Anothertoot for good luck? -l'm on duty.
Aye.
OCKY: For Gods sake, I'm coming!
-Who the fuck are you two? -Jehovah's fucking Witnesses.
Keep yourfucking mouth shut. You hear me?
You speak when you're fucking spoken to. You get it>
-l said do you fucking get it? -Aye aye aye!
-Get the fuck out! -Oh, a ady.
How o d are you then, madam?
My father's a very well respected awyer, you know.
What does that make me then>
Very good. How o d are we?
-Sixteen. -lD?
No you don t.
Please note, female s below the legal age of consent
Stephanie DonaIdson.
No re ation to Conrad Dona dson QC by any chance, are we?
Bingo.
(BRUCE CHUCKLES)
lmag ne what your daddy would say.
Please don t say anything.
What's it worth, Stephanie> A gam>
Can you imagine what his posh paIs wouId say
if they found out that his wee princess was riding a l the low- ife scum
he gets paid fortunes forto keep out the nick?
Do you want to do that to h m?
(CHOKING)
Fucking he I! Jesus Chrst!
Who taught you that technique? A fuck ng cheesegrater>
I've got a good mind to tel your daddy now anyway afterthat poor excuse of an attempt.
Please, don t. That's not fucking fair!
(SINGING) $ Stoat-the-baw, stoat-the-baw, stoat-the-baw
$ Stoat-the-baw, stoat-the-baw, stoat-the-baw $
-She toId me she was 18. -Oh, dearie dearie me
lt's not the best time to be ins de for rd ng k ds is it?
l make you rght. Still, he's on y gonna do six months.
-Ah, posh fanny, though. -Fair enough. Two years then.
Problem s if some law-abiding officers were to te I a strict
-Freemason screw like Ronnie McArthur... -Ronnie McArthur.
-...that the g r n question was 1 1 or 10... -Or even eight.
-Hey, come on, now, boys, eh? -Aye, eight would do t.
Then the poor cunt's ife wouldn t be worth iving, would it>
-Stra ght to the Beast's wing in Saughton nick. -Aye, but hang on a m nute.
Suppose th s stoat-the-baw had certain information
that could help the law-abid ng officers.
-Wth a murder enquiry. -Ah, fuck sake.
Nah, l m not a grasser.
Right, see, Ocky, theres this one guy in the Beast's w ng that they call The Beast.
-The Beast> -No, no, no, no, not the Beast.
-The .. -...Beast.
ShouIdn't reaIIy be nside a normaI prison, to be fair
No but the last t me he escaped from a mental insttution
the local lvestock bore the brunt of his frustrations.
-Fucked a H gh and cow to death so they say. -Tore the horns clean off the poor bastard
Ronnie says the on y way they can keep The Beast quiet
s by putting a new model in his cell every few weeks.
-A model? -Aye.
That's what Ronnie and all the boys ca l the fresh-faced laddies they send h m.
-Supposed to be a big fuckeras weII. -Fuck off
You get your fuck ng hands off him and you stand up straight.
6'4'', ful of musce and deaf as a post.
Whats deaf got to do with it?
Cos he cant hearyou when you're scream ng no' .
-Hung ke a Derby winner, so Ronnie says. -Aye
SpIits them aI first time wthout faiI.
One things certain, you'd come out of there with f ve new arseholies pal.
That's f you ever do come out after an experience like that
-BRUCE So what's it gonna be, Ocky> -(WHEEZING)
-Grass up? -Or lock up?
There you go pal.
You stop smoking, OK>
CHRISSIE: (MOANING) Yes! BRUCE That's t.
-That's it. -Oh, yes!
That's t. Turn off my gas, CaroIe Go.
Go. Go! Go!
Oh yes!
(GRUNTING)
Did you really mean what you said about falling n ove with me?
You're a fucking cow do you know that?
We have been turn ng off the gas for each other and you are a work mate's m ssus.
So, do you know what that makes you n my book?
Do ya? lt makes you a fucking cow.
-Why are you be ng like this> -Because... Because, darin',
you et me in here and you let me in there.
You don't let me in here. And that's what Iove s
What was al that? What was all that? What was all that fuck ng good stuff, eh>
That was alljust games, weren t it? Sad, silly wee games.
A test if you will. A test which you have sadly and m serably failed.
Why are you saying all this? And why did you call me by yourwife's name>
You sa d you Ioved me, not CaroIe.
l need you to take a good long, hard think about what fee ngs actually are, OK?
Because, if you want me to f x your head, easy-peasy Japanesey,
but only you...only you can get n touch with your heart
-But Bruce... -If you want a fucking,
if you want a shagging and a rid ng, l m your man.
However lve got to nform you, l find all th s just a litt e bit sordid.
And l can on y mag ne how much this would hurt poorold Doug e
if he found out. ln his own fucking bed, Chrst!
Bruce please stay. We need to talk.
No I am on a murdercase here.
That's M-U-R-D-E-R,
which speIIs S-E-R-I-O-U-S.
So, if I don't get my A-R-S-E in G-E-A-R, l am in serious S-H-l-T, OK?
You're being so cruel.
Love is crueI, Chrssie.
Love s crueI.
l think shes fucking somebody else as we I Robbo.
No, no, no, no. (SHUSHING)
lt's k lling me because l can't even prove it. Some detective me, eh>
L sten Iisten, isten.
Your Chrissie is about as IoyaI as they come.
-Ah, fuck off. -Come on, now. Come on.
And cheerthe fuck up.
You know you re the favourite forthe Chief lnspector position>
You reckon>
Hey, you're ucky. CaroIes great.
Shes a reaI beauty as weII.
Aye. I'd say you're right on that.
-You two still as happy as ever? -Couldn't be happier.
-How olds... -Seven Stacey's seven.
Stacey, aye.
-Here are the lads. -Gus
Thank Chrst Come on, sheriff's in town Give us two.
Just the stuff huh That' do nicely.
-And how's that wife of yours keeping then? -Every day s Valent ne's Day (LAUGHS)
-And you'd be Cupid, aye> -l'm the very boy, Robbo
-Some man, some man. -l'm the very boy.
Well, l'd better be going home then. boys.
Right enough. Take care of yourself then pal.
What's up with h m?
Nevergot a good word to say about anybody, that guy.
Who, Dougie GiIIman>
Stab you in the back without even th nk ng about it.
CathoIic, you see.
Saying that, Iook at young Ray Lennox there. He's as Protestant as you and I, and yet...
Better no' say anything actually. He's.. Nah.
-Oh, no, go on, Robbo -No, he's a good boy he's a good boy.
Oh go on Go on.
Do you see him in here?
I don't even have to look around and I know that the answer is no.
It's 3l1 hes in that deviant wne bar
with the lesbian Amanda Drummond, cook ng up all sorts of shenan gans.
Oh you're an awfuI man Robbo.
What do you think the ma n topic of conversat on between them is gonna be>
You.
Maybe me.
Promotion. That's what, my friend.
You think young Lennox s running wth the hounds and hunting with the hares>
You sa d it Gus.
l better keep a beady eye on that wee bastard.
Don't want him spoiling the old promot on chances.
Christ, no.
($ Born To Be Wld Wilson Pickett)
-Come on, come on come on the Hearts. -MAN: Are you a big fan then, mate?
-l am ndeed pal. -So am I.
Let me guess, here comes the bit about you being one as well
Ever s nce your granddaddy took you as a wee laddie. Blah, blah, p sh and shite.
(KICKS CAN OVER)
-Job Centre's that way, Santa sweetheart. -Merry Chrstmas anyway, pal.
l heard it's gonna be a cold one, mind you.
(LAUGHS)
Have a nice day.
Oh 2-1. You fucking beauty! Come on.
-Co n CoIin, come on! -Oh, forfuck s sake!
-PIease heIp. Somebody, p ease -Out my way, out my way. l m police.
Hey, what's happening? Has anybody called an ambulance yet>
-CoIin, Iook at me -Has he stopped breathing?
Do someth ng, p ease Do something.
Come on, CoIin.
-CoIin. CoIin. -(GRUNTlNG)
Look at me. Come on.
CoIin! Co in come on!
(SOBBING) Come on!
Oh God.
What's happened to that fucking ambulance then, eh>
-Oh God! -Somebody phone an ambu ance!
(SIGHS)
How have you been since our Iast consuItation, Bruce>
No problems l presume, eh?
None.
l trust you're sti tak ng your medication regularly, yes>
Oh aye.
Well, th s should see you through to your next appointment, yes?
l'll see you in the new year.
Right?
-Merry Chrstmas to you Bruce. -Thank you, Dr Ross . Thank you.
And Merry Christmas to you, too, eh?
Well, thank you for that, Bruce.
($ Back Door Santa: C arence Carter)
WOMAN ON TV: Oh, yes...
(MOANING)
Fuck off!
(ON TV) $ lt's Frank's Fantastic Shed Show $
(APPLAUSE ON TV)
FRANK Hello.
Welcome to the Fantastic Shed Show.
My mum's in. lf she hears that l'm doing a TVshow out in the garden, she"ll go mad.
Cunty Bunty, Cunty Bunty how does your big m nge grow?
(PHONE RINGS)
-HelIo? -He o, Bunty.
-lt's Frank Sldebottom here. -(GASPS)
l've had just about enough of you.
He told us, right, that you have got a big hairy fanny, though, Bunty.
-You re pathet c! -That you...
like to take it up the bum Bunty.
-Who to d you that nonsense> -Eh...
-Are you ready, Little Frank? -Litt e Frank.
-Whos Little Frank? -I'm not talking any more, Bunty, lve got...
-ls that you, Mum? -Oh, t's my mum
No, l'm not ta k ng to dirty prostitutes again, Mum. You can't have the phone...
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Thank you, brothers.
That concludes the formal part of this evening's proceedings and our meeting.
Let us now retire for a moment of harmony.
($ God Save the Queen pIaying on organ)
-What made you join the force, Bruce? -Police oppress on, brother.
I'd witnessed fartoo many cases of it in the mining commun ty l grew up in.
And you wanted to stamp it out from the nside>
-No l wanted to be a part of it. -(LAUGHS) You re a terror, Bruce.
BRUCE: ClIfford Blades, a chartered accountant and therefore a sad wanker.
Bladesey's not only the newest and most gullible memberof this Lodge,
he's also the wealthiest.
ldeal target practice forthe games. Same rules apply.
And that's why the Craft's been so good for me. Bruce. Everyone's accepted.
Enough of that sh te. Are you getting any at home, Bladesey>
Well, that side of things hasn't improved.
This crank ca ler just won't stop phon ng Bunty.
lt's affecting her, you know...
Thing about women, you have to shag them regularly.
You keep them fucked man, they w l do absolutely anything for you.
Actually, two things. Well shod we l shagged.
-And that's what you do with yourwfe Bruce? -Course it fucking is.
See, these marriage counseIIing fucking spastics, they will tell you a oad of shite.
The root of any marital problem is aways, always sexual
lf you're no' fucking the woman you're with, t opens this...
-Vacuum. -...vacuum, which sure as fuck
some other cunt is gonna come and fill,
and fill with several nches of prime Scottish beef, Brother Blades.
And, you see, if she's no' doing the same for you,
you go and get t somewhere else, just like that
l must say, l'm ooking forward to our little trip to Hamburg
-Me too, pal. -Some nice museums.
Prostitutes.
Of aII coIours, shapes and sizes.
-Slainte. -Slainte.
-Excuse me Bruce. l have to spend a penny. -Go for your ife pal Don't fall n.
-W l it be the usual, Brother Robertson? -Oh, yes, p ease Hector.
-l' see you at my place on the weekend then. -Okey-dokey.
Fuck ng pervert.
Ah, on your own tonight then, Brother Robertson?
No, thankfully not Brother Toal.
I just popped in to see CIifford BIades. Youve just missed him.
Well, aren't you and Brother Blades becoming quite the bosom buddies>
-Oh, birds of a feather and aII that. -Talking of Brother Blades,
have those useless clowns from un form found this pervert who keeps phoning his wife>
-Regrettab y not sir, no. -Spastics!
Aye.
Look, would you mind overseeing t, Bruce?
l wouldn't normaly ask with something so trvial,
but we just can't afford to be seen to be not taking care
of such a potentially important benefactor to the odge as Clifford Blades
And whats good forthe lodge is good forthe polis, eh>
And another ltt e brown e point for the promotion, Brother Robertson.
Hush-hush Toa . Hush-hush.
Just you eave Mrand Mrs Blades in my safe hands OK, Brother Toal>
How can you just m splace #200?
If l find out there's anotherwoman invoIved, CIifford...
(TARZANN DOORBELL SOUNDS)
(EXHALES)
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Th s is Bruce, the detectve friend l was telling you about, dear.
WeII, weII, CIifford!
You nevertold me you were h ding such a beautifu specimen.
You are punching above yourweight, champ.
You're the one who's taking CIifford on this Masons' weekend to Scarborough right?
Sc .
Aye, I am taking him to Scarborough.
lt's a pleasure to meet you Bunty.
PIease, to bus ness.
(CLEARS THROAT)
l understand how unsettling these prank calls must be to you,
but I would ask you to be brave.
l've dealt with this kind of scum in the past
and l can tell you, they're all mouth and no trousers.
However, s amming the phone down on him is only go ng to encourage him, OK>
And if l know this guy ke l think l know this guy, he's gonna like that.
So I need you to ndu ge him a ittIe bit.
He' I soon come unstuck.
But your un formed col eague said not to encourage him.
Oh aye No, we teII the younger, less experienced off cers that, aye.
And it usually makes the depravate stop.
However, f you're wanting the man caught...
l want him caught all right. I want that bastard to suffer!
ExceIIent.
Well, n that case, I suggest you play along.
Te him someth ng about yourself. What you like.
Up the stakes Let hunter become hunted.
WeII nai th s sIimy bastard foryou, CIifford, no danger.
Bunty, we're gonna get him. I can promise you that.
Now, l want you to look after that brave brave woman.
Oh I wiII, Bruce, I wiII.
-l can't tell you how gratefu l am, Bruce. -Oh, you just thank your hubby here.
Low friends in high p aces eh Bladesey boy?
(SNORTING)
A quick word. sir?
Bruce How goes the case?
-Aye, fa ry cut and dried actua y, Bob. -Aye.
Awell-known, nasty ittle mob have been fingered by a wi ing informant, so it's
New poster.
...just a case of gathering the necessary evidence.
-Me and Gus are on surve Iance. -Good
The po itical thing has died a death now and the papers have got bored with it.
Awog's a wog for all that, eh, Brother Robertson>
You said it, Brother Toal. Yourwords, not mine. (CLEARS THROAT)
Right about my cycIing trip to Germany sir.
Oh I can't say I'm puII ng handkerchiefs out of my arse at the prospect
but I suppose a few days won't put us too far behind.
What does Caro e have to say about you going away so cose to Christmas?
Oh her and Stacey are just Iooking forward to their big presents.
l always bring them back someth ng nice, so there's never any problem
-You're the boss at home then Robbo? -Man of the fucking house and all that.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Quite. OK...
Just make sure you brief Amanda Drummond before you go.
Do you really th nk she's got the balls to take overthe reins in my absence>
Th nk l'd rather hand temporary control overto Gus Ba n if you don't mind.
lts only for a short while and she needs the experience anyway.
-Mmm-hmm. -Uh-huh
How the fuck did she ever get out of un form? By shagging Toal that's how.
No!
See, every time a woman drops her trousers, promotion.
Every time a man drops theirs, discplinary action.
Where's the equality in that?
Bingo! There's the fuckerwe're after.
No, no, just you wa t there, Gus, OK> No point go ng n mob-handed.
OK.
Wanna buy some flowers.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Can I heIp you sir>
How's business>
All right, l suppose.
Really? Ijust seen a man leave empty-handed.
-No' have anything n his line, no? -No.
-Who was he? -Just some guy after roses.
-I guess he changed his mind. -Mmm-hmm.
-Do l know you from somewhere? -No.
No, you don't. No you fucking don t.
-What have l done wrong? -Wasting police time,
withholding information and possibly harbouring a murder suspect.
-That's shite. -You will fucking cough up
or I swearto God you wiII be stuffing cuddly toys in Corton Vale Prison
fasterthan you can tie a bunch of fuck ng daffodils.
Or maybe ..
maybe you would rather get yourtulips around my bulbs.
(GROANS)
Would you like that?
l think you would.
Look, hes just a guy l know from the clubs.
He comes n to taIk about music and that s aII.
So, are you and yourwee boyfriend just a two-man musica appreciation society then?
-ls that what you're fucking tell ng me? -He's not my boyfriend, honest.
l hope not.
For his sake, you fat bastard.
-Watch where you're... -Sorry.
HeIIo. Eh...
How are you?
Yeah, l'm just going to pick the flowers up.
-Oh, what is the funeraI today, aye> -Yeah.
Right Was that your wreath? The one that says ''Dad' ?
-Yeah. -Um...
How many kids have you got?
Just one, a wee boy.
You ever ost anyone close?
Mmm-hmm.
Hurts Iike heII, eh>
Mmm-hmm.
Um .
Listen, l've got to go. l'm realy sorry, l've got to go.
($ The Little Drummer Boy)
Davie>
Fuck!
(SNORTING)
(COUGHS)
(SIGHS)
Ah, Bruce, l hearyou have a pain, yes?
Oh a pain indeed, Doctor.
And would this pain be one of your physical pains, yes>
No, Doctor, my other kind.
Wel , the final dest nation of the pain recovery train
is se f-he p via abstinence, Bruce, eh?
l've already booked my seat n advance. Super-saver a the same.
No more cocaine and chip suppers for Bruce, eh?
Oh those items were previousIy favourites of the Detective Sergeant
of course they were.
And what of this promotion, eh?
A mere formality l'm sure.
OnIy champions can rewrite history, yes>
Yes, l've always believed that t's the wnning that's important, not the tak ng part
OnIy w nners are more attractive to the oppos te sex, Bruce eh?
Like our successful friend here the tapeworm.
-Yes? -(CHUCKLES)
Who do we trust Bruce>
Why, no one, of course.
Not your friends, not your family, not even yourself, Bruce.
Especia y not yourself, eh?
Now, about that pain...
Yes!
Come on, big man, you stiffen up.
Come on, big man, you fuck ng stiffen. Come on, big man, you fuck ng stiffen...
Fucking, fucking!
Ugly little fuck ng slag.
Dirty poofy bastard.
(LAUGHING)
Peter. Peter, have you seen the graffti in the men's toiIets>
What? No.
(SIGHS) Some nasty ttIe bastard has wrtten someth ng which,
well lets just say quest ons yoursexuality.
Well, there's aways something or other. l don't let it bother me any more, Bruce.
lt's s lly.
Oh, come on, man. You elected me your union representative
so I have to Iet t bother me
and l can't have yourcharacter defamed in this outrageous manner any longer.
l'm go ng straight to Toal. i
No, no, you're a rght, Bruce. l'll just go and cean t off.
Somebody is pIaying siIy b IIies here.
-Such a Ioad of bIoody nonsense. -And ljust hope...
l just hope
I don't find out who.
Gaffer? Gaffer, I want you to come and see some more of this disgustng graffti
that's been written about poor Peter lnglis.
l don't have time forevery...
As fed rep l don t have time to see a feIIow officer humiIiated.
Of course. Listen, Robbo...
-Peter isn t... -What, s r?
You're gonna have to be careful what you say here sir.
He isn't like the graffiti says...
Is he>
Whether he s or isnt is entire y h s own business,
but hes being harassed and we operate a non-discriminatory policy
on the grounds of sexua orientation.
But he can't be sexua ly harassed f he's not really we ...
What, sir>
...gay, l think the fashionable term for it is these days
What he gets up to privately is his own bus ness.
To be honest wth you, l don t even know that much about the chap but Oh.
Th s bullying... This bullying has to stop.
($ Dance mus c playing)
Did you do her up the arse?
Where else is there? Pussys forfaggots.
Right come on Iet's go and see what Gorman and his wee boyfriend are made of
Everything you need to know about those guys are in the jars, dar ng.
(CLEARS THROAT)
-DN-fuck ng-A, man. Really? -Jesus Christ
Mais e, gratitude.
See, this s the wonderfu thing about be ng polis, Ray.
Doesnae really matter if everybody hates your guts
as ong as they're cvil to yourfucking face.
ls that no right, Maisie?
Same ru es appIy darIing. Same rules apply.
See, Ma sie here wouId teach you things your motherwouldn t.
l only do it for love now son.
lf you change your mind, this is the boy forthe job.
Getting qu te the reputation as a young stallion, aren t you pal, eh?
Right, we'd better be off-ski. Weve got the Christmas party.
Christ, I neverthought Id see the day when l left a knocking shop
with more spunk than l came in with.
-Thank you. -Thanks very much son.
I teI you, Gus this is the on y kind of networking
l don't m nd doing wth the lndian community.
GUS: I do Iove a good curry aII the same.
Edith and I, were actually thinking of go ng to Sri Lanka next yearfor our holidays.
-I don't know. Show us yourtits. -Show me yours l'll show you mine.
(BLOWING)
Party games. Gather round.
I rememberwhen I used to work in Sydney, we played this party game at the crmbo party.
What was that, then>
Oh no Listen, theres Iadies present Karen, so l better not say.
Come on, Robbo don't start something you cannae fucking f nish man.
(CHEERING)
-Come on, Bruce. Come on, Brucie. -Al rght.
-We l come on pal. Lets go, man. -OK, then, Raymondo.
What we wou d do s all the men wou d go to the photocopying room.
One by one, of course. No offence if thats yourthing.
And what we'd do s we would photocopy an image of ourwedding tackle.
GUS: Oh, Ijust knew what was going on here!
And then one of the sheilas would pin it to a notice board.
lt'd then be up to the lassies to match the male memberwith the corresponding owner.
-What a oad of bollocks, man. -Let's do it.
-Come on! -(CHEERING)
($ Mr Vain: CuIture Beat)
Fuck me wth that horse's cock.
What>
($ House mus c playing)
Here we go, ads another round.
Who the fuck is that>
Peter. Peter!
l haven't seen you in such a long t me, sweetie. Where have you been hiding>
Brought some friends along, l see.
Who the fuck are you? Here, l don t know this guy.
(GASPS) Sorry, I didn't reaIise it was that kind of scene.
Huh Petercan be so sensitive.
Ho I don t fucking know you OK>
-Hey, hey, hey. Come on, man. -But l don t know the guy, Ray.
Well, he seems to know you.
You wrote that fucking shite on the to let wall didn't you>
Did l fuck! Probably one of yourfucking boyfriends.
You disgust me Get yourface off my cock!
Get off me, you fuck ng cocksucker!
Don't even think about defending GiIIman.
Well, l'm gonna have to consider my pos tion on that one, Bob.
Bruce, things are bloody difficult for me at the moment with this murder case nu sance.
On top of that, not onIy is there a latent NaZi racst homophobe
but a bloody jessie boy in the hat forthe inspector's post.
Now listen, are you referring to Brother Ing s here? Cos if you are...
How can we have someone of his disposition eading fellow officers>
Policy or no b oody policy,
l won't pretend l don't fiind the idea of two men doing it to each other...
...tota y d sgusting.
But thats by the way.
-l still don t see what that's got to do... -Oh, come on, Bruce
How can you have confidence in a man who is constanty undressing you with h s eyes
masturbating over images of you?
lt'd just be a compromise.
SureIy thats a bit caveman, Bob.
ln some parts of the country the force even advertise in the gay press now.
Th s isnt some parts of the country.
Th s is Scot and, by Chrst!
($ Mercy: Third Degree)
Me and Bruce play these break-uplmake-up games,
but it only makes our hearts grow fonder.
ln a sense we're aways together, because nothing
Space, t me, ordistance, can break ourdeIicious communion.
-Here are your drinks sir. -Merci, Fraulein, merci.
But heterosexual anal sex need not imply an attitude of misogyny.
l read in one of Bunty's magazines that 20% of heterosexual coup es enjoy anal sex
-while only 50% of homosexual couples do. -Whoa, ho, ho.
What, are you saying that ha f the fucking poofs walking about down there
don't actua y do each other up the fucking arsehole>
Bruce l was only te ing you what the art cIe said.
Aye and l'll te you something e se about al that fuck ng rap music, man.
lt's al fuck ng bu lshit cos l read this article, proper, medical.
lt says that white women, right, are 10 times more ke y
to give blow jobs than black women.
So where does that Ieave them?
Up the fucking spout without a blow job, thats where pal.
Well, unless it's the white women who they're referring to
who are actually perform ng the fellatio.
Let me tell you something, Bladesey.
On y a white bird who was not rght in the fucking head
would even think about going with one of them.
($ 99 Luftballons: Nena)
lt wasn't even a country until 1865.
Fish market, the actor Hans Albers and FC St Pau footbaII cIub.
Get into the fucking ndex and ook up fuck ng fanny .
The Reeperbahn, the red ght district.
Need to take a picture of what a cunt Iooks Iike.
Can you put that in a bottIe>
No. Don t touch it, Bruce. You're not a owed to.
-You've got to be able to touch fucking history. -No you can t, Bruce.
-Bruce! -(ALARM GOES OFF)
Bruce! Bruce!
Bruce!
(LAUGHING)
ls this a rea prostitute?
(LAUGHING)
Arschflcken, me and her. 50>
-Arschficken. 50. -Thanks very much.
Right, Brunhilde.
-My name's CIifford. -BRUCE: Bladesey, don't go bareback.
I'm a Gemini.
Can Ijust have a gIass of water>
Not at all l've got something else in mind foryou.
Here, here, here, here, here. Look at these two. Look at these two.
Fucking bufties Disgusting.
Abso utely fucking...
...d sgusting.
l've never seen the attraction of it myself.
Cheers paI.
Cheers.
($ Techno mus c playing)
Bladesey just take your coat off You're overheating, man Just fucking...
(SHOUTING)
Bladesey, l...
l need you to fucking ca m yourse f. You're really messing with my fucking trip.
CaIm your...
Fucking ca m yourself, man. Calm yourse f. Fuck off...
-(CONTINUES SHOUTING) -You're on yourfuck ng own, Bladesey.
(BLADESEY SCREAMING)
(SQUEALING)
Fuck off!
Get yourfucking hands off me!
Piss off!
(GROANS)
CaroIe.
-CaroIe. -(SPEAKING GERMAN)
No. Where's Stacey> Wheres Stacey? Where's Stacey?
(GROANS)
(PHONE RINGING)
HeIIo>
TOAL Do you know what time it is, Bruce? Get into work right now.
Right Right, l' l be in in, say, 25 minutes.
(HORN BLARES)
You wanted to...
...see me>
-Take a seat. -(DOOR CLOSES)
As you obv ously know, Bruce,
Amanda took a lead role in the murder investigat on in your absence.
l have decided after some de beration that this shouId rema n the case.
You have got to be fucking joking me!
-I beg your pardon? -Are you deaf?
l expect you to g ve heryourfull co-operation.
S nce you've been away the med a have taken an interest again.
Press relations s exacty the k nd of area that Amanda here is strong n.
Amanda can you please brief Bruce on the latest developments?
Yes, Bob.
Gus has aIready fiIIed me in, so there's rea y no need.
Gus isnt on the baII, Bruce!
OK, then, Mandy, fre away.
Were going to have to brng in Gorman forquestioning.
Not so sure that's a good idea there Mandy.
You see, hes a hardened criminal and with a lawyer like Conrad Dona dson behind him
cou d go e therway.
Nice cycling trp, Bruce?
Enough with the idle banter. ShaII we crack on with the case>
Maybe start by finding this b onde witness you forgot to tell us about.
These are crafty bastards we're dealing with. We need hard evidence.
l'll just go and get some, eh?
(DOOR OPENS)
-Bruce, can l have a word? -Course you can, sweetheart.
Do you have to referto me in that condescend ng way>
-Mandy, you're taking this fartoo seriously. -My name s Amanda
You th nk you've got a chance of getting th s fuck ng promotion, don't you>
(DOOR OPENS)
Bruce.
-Someone here to see you. -Maybe in a wee min
WeII contnue this Iater.
Maybe a wee b t of privacy eh Peter?
l came ast week, but they told me you were on holiday.
l wanted to thank you personally for everything you did for Col n.
Aye. Aye, we , ljust wish l could have done more to help him.
This is the man who tried to save your daddy.
He helped when the others just stood back and watched.
He's a fine man son.
l'd like you to be like him when you grow up.
They said it was your favourte team's colours so...
l knitted it especially.
l just wanted to say...
...Merry Christmas.
Say bye to the detective, Euan.
-Bye-bye. -Bye-bye, pal.
Here, here, here... Don't Don t go. Um... Just...
Th s is...
Th s is just my...
lt's my home telephone number.
And my home address.
ln case you ever need any help.
For anything.
Thanks.
BRUCE Do you know what Drummond says to me?
She teIIs me that we've got to bring in Gorman for questioning.
l just laughed in her face and then l fucked off.
-What do you think of that? -Aye, nice job, mate.
-Aye -Yeah.
These young ones, Ray These fuck ng young ones!
l'll get the drinks in.
L sten, Robbo, l've got someth ng to tell you.
l don t want you getting the wrong dea and this s why l'm lett ng you know first.
L sten, l really want to get on n the department, right,
but I've not got enough experience, though, eh>
l dont know, Ray.
All depends on how good you are, doesn t it?
l mean, l even thought about app y ng forthe nspector's job.
You know, but ljust thought t was a good dea to get some practice with the...
...you know, with the selection procedures.
-What do you think? -Cannae do you any harm pal.
You're right. lt can't do any harm, you know, fy ng up a k te,
just so they know who Ray fucking Lennox is, eh>
You need to watch some sly bastards.
-What do you mean? -l'm just saying
that you need to watch some sly bastards.
L ke who? Who>
Gus.
-Gus Bain> -Aye.
l mean, he's always been all right with me man you know.
He's been taking quite an interest n the extracurricuIar actvities
of a certain Ray Lennox.
Just watch what you say about Bonnie Prince Char e here
when Gus Bain is around. Do you understand me?
You know, l wou d never say anything about the chang to anybody, you know>
But l will definitely watch what l fucking say around that sly old fucking grasser now, eh>
You cannae fucking trust anybody any more can you>
l must ook d vine especally in the m ddle of this bunch of freaks.
They aI fancy CaroIe Robertson, see?
Well, you can look, but you can't touch.
There's on y one person that can have me.
Although, if he realy wants me hell have to get that promotion.
T me waits for no man.
($ W I You StiI Love Me Tomorrow: The Shirel es)
BRUCE ON TV: Yeah? What have you got, darling?
What do you think? ls it nice? Oh, it's quite nice.
That's it.
BRUCE: Hello, darling. Wave to the camera, darling.
(DIALLING)
l'm not too sure about this one, Bruce.
(RINGING TONE)
-BUNTY ON PHONE: Hello? -I bet ..
You've been thinking about me a lot, haven't you, Bunty?
l haven't stopped thinking about you.
l bet they told you to ignore me though.
-Didnt they? -Oh yes, they fucking did.
But...
Th s is... (LAUGHS)
...so much more fun, Frank.
Wou d you...
(LAUGHING) What>
Wou d you
like to see my cock,
Bunty?
I'd Iike to do more than that, Frank.
I'd Iike to
put your cock in my fucking mouth.
(UNZIPS)
That's what I wou d Iike to do.
And then l wou d like you
to put yourcock
inside of my fucking beautiful body.
That's what l would like Frank, and foryou to go as fast as you can.
Fucking go as fast
as you can Frank!
(GRUNTS)
Fuck me. Fuck me!
-Yeah -That's what I'd ike, Frank.
(MOANS)
ROSSI: How's the lovely Carole at ChrIstmas?
A Iove y Christmas caroI.
Yes>
(SINGING) $ Carol started going out on the piss with Stephen
$ When Steve took his trousers off Bruce knew she'd be leaving
$ Bruce, he wanted Stacey back, but she wasn't coming
$ This promotion's made him crack
$ He isn't in the running $
Eh? Eh>
Eh>
Bigger pain. bigger jar.
Bigger pills, Bruce, yes?
BRUCE: Yeah!
Fuck you, CaroIe Robertson! Fuck you, Carole Robertson!
Turn off my gas, Bruce!
Fuck you, Doug e GiIIman!
(GRUNTING)
CAROLE: Repressed people.
You have to pity them more than anything else.
l was like that before l met Bruce.
But he brought me out of myself.
That's what our sex cIub was about.
Bruce knows that ourwee games and flirtations
only serve to strengthen our love by making t confront its true nature.
I'm a better person now. (GIGGLES)
A different person.
($ Sllver Lady: Davld Soul)
(TURNS VOLUME UP)
(LIP-SYNCHING) $ Tired of drifting, searching, shifting from town to town
$ Every time l sIip and slide a little furtherdown
$ l can't blame you if you won't take me back
$ Aftereverything l put you through
$ But, honey, you"re my last hope
$ And who else can l turn to
$ Come on, Silver Lady, take my word
$ l won't run out on you again, beIleve me... $
($ Merry Chrstmas Everyone: Shakin' Stevens)
The fuck ng bitch has left me.
Chrstmas fucking Day and the b tch Ieaves me.
(LAUGHS)
-Merry Chrstmas, Robbo! -Aye, same to you, Gus Same to you.
So what's your pIans, then>
Ah, just the usua famiy shite and all that.
Me, too.
Fuck!
GUS: (ECHOING) Are you a rght, Bruce>
Oh aye.
-Are you a right Robbo? -Aye.
-Happy Christmas, s r. -Don't you ''Happy Christmas'' me.
-Come again? -Look at the state you're in, Bruce.
You re a disgrace to the force. Th s murder case s still hanging over us
and you haven't even managed to fiind the Blades' phantom phone-cal er.
I am quickly becoming the laughing-stock of the Lodge.
And you are about to lose any chance you ever had of this promotion.
No, no, no, no, no, no. l know who the pervert is sir.
Aye...
It's CIifford BIades.
It's CIifford B ades himseIf sir.
l'll get you proof.
Oh no no no, no, no.
Davie.
Davie, it wasn't my fault.
lt wasn't my...
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(SNIFFLING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Your message sounded urgent, so I came straight over.
l wanted to drop your present off anyway
because l'm going to England to see my parents.
Mother s not very well.
Bunty's not best pleased about me going.
Th s creep just won't stop phoning her.
l.. l never got you anything.
Doesn t matter.
lt's good to see you pal.
Good to see somebody.
-Good to see you. -(LAUGHS)
You want a wee whisky> Cheer you up.
-No best not. I'm driving. -You'll fucking sit down, man!
You' l stay over here tonight and you'll go tomorrow, OK>
OK.
-Won t yourwfe mind? -She's at her mum's. Her mum's in Aviemore.
-OId b rd's on her ast Iegs wth heart disease. -l'm sorry to hearthat.
No don't fucking worry about t. Stupid s ag brought it on herself.
See, the amount of choco ate, booze and fags she consumes it is fuck ng crim nal
-What about your daughter? -Christ, that's enough of the fam y p sh!
Now .
l've got a cheeky wee sing e malt here foryou.
OnIy forthe deveIoped paIate, 49 years aged.
Ho-ho-ho, Merry Chrstmas and a I that shite.
Well, l suppose one between friends cou dn't hurt.
Aye.
-Happy Christmas. -Is it>
How are you getting on with that whisky then, Bladesey>
Feel a b t tpsy, Bruce.
FRANK ON TV: Hello and welcome to the Fantastic...
Manchester! Manchester!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
-You do it, man. -No
-Come on, g ve it a try. -No, rea ly Bruce.
-Come on, t's Christmas. -lt's not n my nature.
Come on, don't be such a fuck ng spoiIsport.
Lad es and gentlemen, my name is Frank Sidebottom.
I'm Frank Sidebottom.
My name is Frank Sidebottom.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
($ Opera pIaying on radio)
(RETCHING)
(GROANS)
Th s is a love y surprise.
I was just checking up on my best mate's missus wh e he was away,
see ng she was safe and secure and all that, you know?
l don't know why you botherwith him. Hes weak.
Not like you.
No, no, no, he's... He's one of the best, l say.
-That's what l say. He's one of the best. -(CHUCKLES)
Oh, I wsh I had a friend who was as loyal as you.
You must see some terrible things in your line of work.
Aye, I do. l really do you know?
But you just You just deal with it.
Like you do Bunty, with this prank phone-caller.
You don't seem to let it get to you, do you?
Well, that's what l try to make him think. But, you know, it hurts terrib y.
Uh-huh.
I just wish CIfford couId be as strong as you.
Fuck.
Fuck! Wait a minute.
Th s is wrong CIiffs a I right Th s is... This is realy wrong.
No, no no!
No, it's Its... It's OK. This is so right.
No, no!
-What's wrong? -lt's just the
-Just what? -lt s just...
I think CIiff might be your phantom phone-caller.
(LAUGHS)
Oh don't be rdicuIous. Come on.
(MOANING)
BLADESEY ON TAPE: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Frank Sidebottom.
lt's Frank Sidebottom.
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Frank Sidebottom.
lt's Frank Sidebottom.
Oh my God!
Ah, Bruce eh>
Fuck.
OrwouId you Iike me to caII you by your little brother's name, Davie, yes?
-What? -Baby brothers, Bruce.
Such a nu sance.
But you were supposed to ook out for litt e brother Davie yes?
No, no I wasn t.
lt was your idea to steal the coal, though, yes?
No, that was Davie's idea.
The added incentve of trying to please yourfather.
''Let's cimb the coal mounta n, ' you said.
That's t. Just little boys playing games Doctor.
The games, Bruce. The games. The same ru es apply though
l'm the king of the castle! Get down you, dirty rascal!''
Then you pushed him off.
No, l never. No, l fucking never!
-Not an angry push... -No I d dn't.
...just a brotherly shove. Brothery ove a brotherly shove.
Because wee Davie was better at everything than h s big brother, 'the other laddie' .
That's what they used to say in the village.
''Davie Robertson and the other Iaddie.''
You're stil just'the other laddie'', aren't you?
You fuck off!
''Fuck off', you shout as you push him down the s ag pile.
He's at the bottom, screaming for he p
as the black stuff rushes down, smothering your brother underneath.
No, I tried to save him.
Then the man you call father, crouch ng beside the body of his real son,
''This thing killed h m. This bastard spawn of the devil killed my laddie
''You are fiIth!''
No No!
No no...
AMANDA: What are you doing in the women's toiIets, Bruce?
Fuck off, Drummond.
-You can say it's none of my bus ness. -lt's none of yourfuck ng business!
What were you doing in the women's to ets Bruce>
Look, l'm sorry.
l'm just feeling a bit wrong at the moment. OK>
OK, weII, if you want to taIk about it, then I'm here.
Spare me your a ry-fairy, namby-pamby care-in-the-community,
human-resources, left-w ng bu lshit.
Well, l'm just worried about you, Bruce.
-What did you say? -l said l'm worried about you, Bruce.
Oh right I see. You re worried about me.
What? Oh, don't flatteryourseIf.
-l th nk you're a s lly silly, ttle little man. -You fancy me.
l have no interest in you apart from us having to work together.
-Just g ve in to your instincts darling. -Oh, God, you're pathetic
-You're pathetic You're an a coholic. -Fuck off
You stink. Do you know what Bruce>
You're the kind of sad case that preys on weak, stup d women
in orderto boost yourown shattered ego!
What about Karen the other night at the Christmas party>
She was wasted, Bruce.
Well she shouldnae have fucking drunk then, should she>
She wanted a drink, so she had one.
She wanted a ride, so she had one of them as weII.
So, don t treat me ike a fuck ng rap st!
Jesus Christ, what are you so interested in herfor anyway?
-Are you a lesbian? -l'm not a bloody lesb an, Bruce.
l have a boyfriend and he's far youngerthan you
and he's far more intel gent than you
and he's far better endowed than you, Mr Photocop er Enlargement
What did you fucking say?
Go on, fucking h t me, Bruce Are you gonna hit me Bruce? Yeah?
No.
Oh my darIing, I'm sorry.
-You sicken me. -(SCOFFS)
You repulse me Can l make that any fucking plainer>
l wasn't gonna hurt you, you know?
I didnt mean it.
As your co league...
...and as a human be ng, l m telling you, Bruce, youve got some stuff to sort out.
OK> Then you m ght become the sort of person
that you seem to imagine yourself to be,
aIthough Christ onIy knows what that is.
l used to be good at th s job Amanda.
l used to be a good person.
Yeah. I heard that.
-Have you got a wfe, Bruce? -Yeah.
Have you got any kids?
Stacey.
l think they've left me.
l think my family have left me.
I don't know how.
l cant rememberwhy.
OK.
You see, there's something wrong with me.
There's something serously wrong with me.
Have you spoken to anyone? Have you been to see a doctor>
-Yeah. -Yeah>
No.
I don't know. I don't know.
No, l m in charge.
l'm in charge of me.
l m n charge of this investgat on and don't you everfucking forget that.
OK, Bruce. You need to Iisten to me. Can you hear me?
l'm realy worried about you. l don't think you're fit forwork at the moment.
Just you go up there and suck someone's cock
and stop playing the amateurfucking psychologist, you ev wtch!
Hey, Robbo.
Are you holding a guy by the name of Clifford Blades>
Do you ever get the impression he was a pervert?
Just give me the fucking keys!
-You piss-taking ttle fart! -What s wrong Bruce?
You strung me along from the fucking start! Didn't you?
lt wasn't me. You have to beIieve it wasn't me.
Don't make me punch your face through your shoulders
and out through yourfucking arse, you speccy wee fanny!
Why> Why did you drag me into this, CIiff>
Why did you drag me into this with you? You re supposed to be my mate
I didn't We are mates, Bruce.
You're my best frend, Bruce. You're my best friend.
Why do you bully me Bruce?
-What? -Why do you do it>
Because...
Because l can't fucking help myself.
Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce Bruce!
Bruce! Bruce!
Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! -(SHOUTlNG)
Fuck!
l tried to cal you at work. Where have you been>
-Bruce, Dougie's in hospital. -And?
He tred to k II himseIf.
SIashed his wrsts.
He found out about us, Bruce.
CouIdnt take the humiIiation of that and getting suspended
How's that my fault? That's all yourfault!
My God, this p ace fucking stinks.
l just need you to fucking eave!
-Come on. -No, no no.
-I wanna turn off the gas foryou. -Chrissie, don't. Chrssie
-I wanna turn off the gas foryou. -Chrissie, l need you to eave!
Come on! l wanna turn off the fuck ng gas foryou!
Fuck ng ..
Come on, get fucking hard, you siIIy wee poof! Come on, get it in!
Fuck me with that mouse's cock.
(GRUNTING)
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
What's wrong? You're crying like a wee laddie.
You're no fun any more, Bruce. You know that>
I'm not weII.
Whats wrong wth you, man?
I hear voices, Chrssie.
l see things, all the time.
Do you ever hearthem?
What are you on about?
Whatever it is you're taking, you wanna lay off it.
Lfe's crueI Bruce. Lfe's crueI.
(SNORTING)
People ask me, ''Carole, how do you and Bruce keep the spice in your marriage?''
(CHUCKLING) Well, I tell them it's really simple.
-l'm just the ultimate tease. -BRUCE ''l'm just the ultimate tease.
"'Me and Bruce, we're not that different.
BRUCE ''W know what w want.
"We know how to get it.
"Like this promotion he's going for. We both know he'Il win.
"'And when he does,
"the Robertson household is going to be one big happy family again.
"l kid you not.''
You coming for a wee ride, sweetheart?
l knew I'd seen you before. The fuck ng freak from the tunnel.
You are a sick fairy.
My husband is Detective Sergeant Bruce Robertson.
(GROANS)
GORMAN: We have to go all the way with this p g.
You know what that means, Ocky>
Hey, ho d on, hold on hold on, right. Wait a minute.
You can't waste a cop, man.
You never sa d you were gonnae...
-Fuck. -He saw us do the gook, forfuck's sake!
But dead cunts te no taIes.
We can torch the p ace wth the pig in it. Orwhat's Ieft of h m.
Smokey bacon, man.
Get yourfuck ng hands off her stuff!
You fuck ng die.
(GROANS)
l want to hear you squeal, like the fucking pig you are.
Get fucking out.
Don t you leave! Don't you fuck ng eave!
Don't you eave this fucking room!
Don't you fuck ng close that door! Fuck!
Why didn't you arrest us when you had the chance>
Scared theyd find out you're a fucking queer?
-Just you and me, Detective. -No!
No!
You see, l've always hated you fucking pigs.
But not in the normal way your average Iow-Iife scum Iike me hates them
You see, l've always hated them in a specal way.
(EXHALES)
But you... You're different, sweetheart.
l'll make an honest woman of you yet.
(GROANING)
You thought you cou d take me, eh?
You sick,
sexy wee pansy.
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)
(CLOCK STRIKING)
You rea y fucked up this time, didn't you Bruce?
Ambulance is on the way, Bruce.
Don't go.
Don't go brother.
l just wanted to keep her close to me, you know?
Might not seem appropriate, but...
Happy New Year, Robbo.
Aye, happy New Year.
L sten Bruce, um...
We obviously had to withdraw your app ication forthe promotion.
Now s not the right time foryou to meet the board.
You see that right?
Aye.
And you re back in uniform, Bruce.
It is a demotion.
Of course Bruce, I don't need to teII you that obviously I was chuffed
about the promotion.
But it has been a bittersweet experience for me.
lf you hadn t had the... the issues you've been having,
l'm sure you would have walked it.
-Aye. -Aye.
l suppose everybody feels like this when they actually get a promotion.
You know how best to work with oId mates and aII that.
Your methods and mine are very different.
And l know we've pu led some stuff in the past,
but aII the coke and the hookers and stuff...
-That's finito now. -Aye.
You understand, little piggy?
No hard feelings, eh?
No hard feeIings, pa . Same ruIes appIy.
Oh by the way...
l saw yourwee speccy mate Bladesey down the Lodge.
The o d phantom phone-caller, eh?
We told the s ck bastard he's not welcome at the Craft f he keeps that shite up.
See you Iater, then...
Frank.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
No dont...
OK Iets go... Let's get out of here.
Stacey!
St...
-Hey -(BOTTLE BREAKS)
Oh shit.
l'm really sorry forstartling you...
No it's...
It's OK. It's...
It's OK.
-Are you all right? -Uh-huh.
-You Iook a bit... -Hmm?
Ah, l'm just, um...
l'm just undercover.
I'm on, um, stakeout and...
You see, there's some rea y shifty-looking characters in here tonight
and l'm just try ng to blend in.
-Come on, Mummy, I'm hungry. -I better get h m home for his dinner.
Aye, right, of course.
-l' see you around then. -Don't eave
(PHONE RINGING)
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
Hi, Detective Robertson, it's Mary here.
Sorry, I know lt's probably none of my business, but...
Look, um, l was just thinking that maybe
me and Euan could pop round on our way to the park.
($ Creep: Coco Sumner)
(EXHALES)
Right. Bladesey.
Uh, first things first.
You've really got to get rid of the double glazing, pal.
Get yourself contact lenses or something, lasereye treatment
cos nobody's evergonna take you seriously staring through those thick milk bottles.
Second thlng is, you've really got to try and toughen up.
Right, you're a nice guy.
But you"re very soft.
Truth is, peopIe are just as scared of the world as you are.
l'm scared of the world.
Ijust don't let people see it, that's all.
And that's what the games are.
I kid you not, my sweet, sweet friend.
You're my best friend.
My onIy friend.
Most important thing is this, though.
You've got to make Bunty want you again.
You'll probably find that she does actuaIly like you
if you just asserted yourself a wee bit more.
You know, you show her passion and she will run to you.
She will love you until the day you dIe.
l may not be the one to be giving marriage counseIling,
but sometimes it takes a wrongdoer to show you when you're doing wrong.
I'm sorry, BIadesey.
Really sorry, pal.
Bunty!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(CONTINUES RINGING)
Same ruIes appIy.
($ Love Rea y Hurts Without You: Billy Ocean)